LondonKings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In Mark A. Lambert’s book, Seduce with Personality, we are reminded to stop worrying about the past:

It’s not always a complete waste of time to think about your past experiences. You can learn from analyzing your mistakes. And you can plan for an enjoyable future as long as in the present moment you are conscious of the decisions you are currently making.

Embarrassments, making mistakes, the habit of believing you aren’t good enough, even in the face of positive feedback, and of course painful or traumatic experiences can make us feel inadequately equipped to deal with our present moment.

But the past doesn’t need to overwhelm you.

Here are 4 tips for overcoming the bad habit of spending too much time thinking about the past and not enjoying the NOW:

Let’s say you messed up a social situation and got embarrassed. And then you just can’t get it out of your head all day. And then for a few days after that. We’ve all been there. Eventually some of these experiences turn into funny stories.

But I know guys who dwell on their social blunders and it totally messes up their attitude. All they can do is think, “Oh shit, that girl saw my hand shaking because I was so nervous! I’m such a dumbass! Nobody will ever love me!”

By focusing on things you have done in the past you keep associating yourself with the YOU as you were in those memories. And if those thoughts are negative, you are preventing yourself from growth.

We’ve all had a few unpleasant interaction with women. And if you have never had an unpleasant interaction with a woman, then you aren’t interacting with enough of them. But by focusing on that poor interaction, that might have nothing to do with you, but only that unpleasant woman’s lack of social acuity, then you are putting yourself in a negative mindset. And you won’t be ready to interact with the next girl you meet who is socially intelligent and would actually appreciate talking with you, if only you were in a more positive mood.

Deciding to let go of embarrassing or even traumatic experiences means you stop reliving that past discomfort in your memories.  Just make a decision to stop thinking about it, and focus on more positive things. Such as what you can do to enjoy the present moment.

You sometimes hear men say something like, “She was a bitch!” after talking to a girl, and then he will let this girl’s poor social skills ruin his day. Yes, sometimes she is just a rude entitled bitch with pisspoor social skills, sometimes for whatever reason she isn’t interested in talking to you. But at the same time, maybe there is something you can learn from this.

Don’t let other people ruin your day. It feels good to assume the Me versus the World mentality and feel like you are a victim of circumstances. But nobody really cares.

Even if that girl who dissed you actually has the social skills of a moldy banana, it doesn’t mean she is responsible for how you emotionally react to her misbehavior. Don’t give her the power to dictate your emotions.

Anything you feel is your choice and responsibility.

Thinking about it isn’t going to solve anything. Your only problem is that you feel bad about something in the past.

You might not be able to forget what you did, or whatever experience is troubling you. But you can forgive yourself for it.

When you forgive people who have wronged you, you aren’t saying it was right of that sob to steal your girlfriend. You are just saying you forgive him and you can move on with your life.

Forgiveness is one of the most challenging tasks you might ever embrace. There are probably some people in your life you would never even consider forgiving. And, I don’t know your specific experience so I’ll side with you and say, “yes that is probably unforgiveable.” But for the forgivable offenses, why not just forgive and forget so you can move on with your life?

If you forgive yourself for your social blunders you can admit to yourself that you don’t need to be perfect, and even laugh about some of the mistakes you’ve made. You are only human.

You don’t need to keep blaming yourself for all the uncomfortable experiences you have endured. Yes sometimes it is your fault. Sometimes you were awkward and made people feel uneasy. And because you were aware of that you felt bad. But you don’t need to torture yourself by always bringing up those memories. Forgive yourself and you will get better at learning from your mistakes and grow as a human being.

When you focus on the present, you don’t have time to waste thinking about the past. Acknowledge negative past memories if they pop into your imagination, but don’t dwell on them, and don’t allow them to rule your emotions. Focus your attention back on the present moment and whatever it is you are working on.

Focusing on the present is an Idea you’ll be familiar with if you are a veteran of the self-improvement community and have read Eckhart Tolle’s, The Power of Now. Flip to any random page in Tolle’s book on how to live in the moment and you will find suggestions on how to do exactly that, and avoid worrying about events that are out of your control.

Here’s a paragraph from the first page I flipped to just now:

If we are focused on waiting for the next great thing to happen to us, it means we aren’t satisfied with the present moment we find ourselves in. We escape into fantasies about our future lives. You might see a very attractive girl walking down the street and think to yourself, “I want to meet her!” And then in your imagination fantasize about your first date with her, kissing her, and maybe even forming a relationship with her.  But do you really “want” her? If you are satisfied with your delusional fantasies about interacting with her, but you never actually make an effort to talk to her, then you never really wanted her at all.

If you fantasize about a future in which you meet a woman who is both a paragon of beauty on the inside and out, or even having threesomes with whoever you desire, but you take no action but to think about this fantasy, then you are just wasting your time.

Write a list of everything you “want.” A list of everything you fantasize about having, and desperately hope you will someday be able to receive and accomplish.

If you are a lazy bastard who hates when some article suggests you, “write a list of….” Something then at least take a minute to dive into your mind and think about everything you “want.”

so get out your pen and a paper, even a stained napkin will do, and just invest at least one solid minute of your valuable time in coming up with a list.

For some suggestions, your list might look like this:

Your list doesn’t need to be huge. And it doesn’t need to include only goals you may have. Include anything you “want.”  It should include things you fantasize about having, and hope to have in the future.

On the top of that list write the words, “Things I want”

Now on a separate piece of paper, or even on a separate section of the stained napkin you wrote your first list on, write a list of everything you did yesterday.

Here are some things that might be on your second list:

Be honest about what you write here. Nobody is going to see this list if you don’t show them. Now next to each of the things on your list, write how much time you spent on each item.

On top of this list write the words, “The Things I ACTUALLY want.”

The activities on this list, in proportion to how much time you spend on them, are the things you ACTUALLY want. These are the things you actually care about.

If you continue your habit of doing the things on this list you can only get better at them within the next decade. You can just throw away that first list I had you write. Because those aren’t the things you actually want.

Now granted there might be several badasses out there who spend most days working out, reading books, socializing, and building their businesses who yesterday just wanted to relax watching a few good movies and didn’t accomplish anything.

But for most people, the things on your “Things I ACTUALLY want list” that you did yesterday are the same things you have been doing the past few months and the same things you will keep doing for the next few years.

If you have items on your list of things you did yesterday that actually move you closer to your goals a little bit each day, then I hope the things on this list align with the items on the first list you wrote.

If your two lists are not aligned then you might need a refreshing kick in the ass to realize fantasizing about your dream job, starting a business, or attracting your dream girl wont magically make these things appear in your life.

It’s hard to change your habits. They are comforting and familiar.

Personal Development coach Brian Tracy suggests that to master any field or skill takes 5 – 7 years.

Do you want to know what you will be doing in 5 to 7 years? You don’t need the power to see into the future. You just need to look at your list of what you did yesterday.

Americans love to tout the value of waiting until marriage to have sex. We teach abstinence-only education in schools across the country, and even comprehensive sex-ed programs often point out that "abstinence is best." Pop stars from Britney Spears to Jessica Simpson, to the Jonas Brothers, to Miley Cyrus, to Justin Bieber routinely assert that they're waiting 'til marriage – putting them into the Good Role Model category (at least, until someone leaks a sex tape). There's a booming "purity industry", complete with jewelry, elaborate events, books, t-shirts and DVDs.
Our state and federal tax dollars have long been spent promoting "chastity". While conservative commentators are happy to assert that waiting until marriage is the best choice for everyone and people who don't wait aren't doing marriage "the right way", sex-positive liberals hesitate to say that having sex before marriage is an equally valid – if not better – choice for nearly everyone.
So here it goes: having sex before marriage is the best choice for nearly everyone.
How do I know? Well, first of all, nearly everyone has sex before marriage – 95% of Americans don't wait until their wedding night. And that's a longstanding American value. Even among folks in my grandparents' generation, nine out of ten of them had sex before they wed.
Of course, just because lots of people do a thing doesn't mean it's a good thing. But sex is. In terms of happiness, sex is better than money, and having sex once a week instead of once a month is the "happiness equivalent" of an extra $50,000 a year. People with active sex lives live longer. Sex releases stress, boosts immunities, helps you sleep and is heart-healthy.
Sex is good whether you're married or not, and certainly folks who wait until marriage can have a lot of sex once they tie the knot. But waiting until marriage often means both early marriage and conservative views on marriage and gender – and people who marry early and/or hold traditional views on marriage and gender tend to have higher divorce rates and unhappier marriages. We know that, on the other hand, there are lots of benefits to marrying later and to gender-egalitarian marriages. Couples who both work outside the home and also share housework duties have more sex. Financially independent, college-educated women who marry later in life have extremely low divorce rates.
It turns out that feminist values – not "traditional" ones – lead to the most stable marriages. And feminist views plus later marriage typically equals premarital sex.
Most adult human beings naturally desire sex. And despite the rightwing emphasis on concepts like "purity", having sex does not actually make you a dirty or "impure" person. On the contrary, sex is like most other pleasurable things in life – you can have sex in ways that are fulfilling, fun, good and generous, or you can have sex in ways that are harmful, bad and dangerous. Marriage is not, and has never been, a way to protect against the harmful, bad and dangerous potential of sex (just read the Bible if you want a few examples). Instead of fooling ourselves into thinking that waiting until marriage makes sex "good", we should focus on how ethical, responsible sexual practices – taking precautions to protect the physical and mental health of yourself and your partner; having sex that is fully consensual and focused on mutual pleasure – are part of being an ethical, responsible human being.
Sexual morality isn't about how long you wait. It's about how you treat yourself and the people you're with.
Sex, of course, isn't all ponies and rainbows. The United States has one of the highest unintended pregnancy rates in the world. We have one of the highest abortion rates. We have one of the highest rates of sexually transmitted infections. But our problem with sex isn't that we're having it before marriage; it's that we've cast it as shameful and dirty. And when our collective cultural consciousness says that sex is shameful and dirty, we don't have the incentive – or the tools– to plan for sex, to see it as a positive responsibility and to make healthy sexual choices.
We're obsessed with sex on television, in music and in advertisements, but we somehow lack the ability to talk about sex as a positive, moral, pleasure-affirming choice that, like any other adult decision, comes with a set of responsibilities. And when government money is going toward telling people to just wait until marriage, we are literally funding an idea that has never worked in all of human history, instead of supporting tried-and-true policies that could mitigate the harm of a sex-obsessed, but pleasure-starved, culture.
If waiting until marriage were simply an individual choice with no political consequences or backdrop – if it were as arbitrary a marker as waiting until the third date, waiting until you knew your partner's middle name or waiting until she wore really awesome high heels – it wouldn't be a problem. And personally, I don't really care when you, as an individual, choose to have sex. As long as you feel ready and it's consensual, I say you do you. But "waiting until marriage" as a cultural phenomenon – albeit one that isn't actually happening for nearly everyone in the western world – has some nasty views about women and sex lurking behind it. Using "purity" as shorthand for "doesn't have sex" by definition means that people, and mostly women, who have sex before marriage are impure, dirty or tainted. As Jessica Valenti says in her book The Purity Myth:

"While boys are taught that the things that make them men – good men – are universally accepted ethical ideals, women are led to believe that our moral compass lies somewhere between our legs."

It's all the more troubling when those beliefs are federally funded.
From a more practical standpoint, not everyone is going to get married, or even legally can get married. The instruction to wait forever to experience a fundamental human pleasure is pointless and cruel. And while the old adage tells women that men won't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free, if I'm buying a cow, you can bet I'm going to make sure the milk is to my liking. But our cultural view of premarital sex as morally tainted makes it harder for couples to engage in real talks about their sexual needs and desires before marrying, the same way they would talk about their religious values, how many kids they want or whether the wedding cake will be chocolate or vanilla.
Sexually frustrated marriages are both miserable and common – the inboxes of advice columnists from Dan Savage to Dear Prudie are filled with letters from couples with mismatched sex drives and bad sex lives. We'd be a lot better-off if we recognized that sex is incredibly important to a lot of people, and, for most couples, sexual compatibility is necessary for a great marriage. You really can't tell if you're sexually compatible unless you have sex. The insistence that premarital sex is dirty or perverse makes it a whole lot harder to have necessary conversations. And a worldview that positions sex as shameful and bad also isn't going to evaporate on your wedding night.
Purity peddlers construct a false universe where there are pure virgins who wait until marriage, and then there are slutty whores who are going home with different men every night of the week. The truth is that most adults will have a great many important relationships in their lives – some of those relationships will be romantic, and some of those will be sexual. That's a good thing: our relationships with other people, sexual or not, are how we grow, evolve and learn about ourselves. They're how we figure out what love is, what we like physically and emotionally, and how to negotiate our own needs with someone else's. Despite the claims of the wait-till-marriage camp, waiting to have sex won't protect you from heartache, frustration or love lost. But a variety of fulfilling relationships, sexual and not, will make you a more well-rounded, compassionate and self-assured person.
My point isn't that everyone should have sex before marriage – people should determine for themselves when they are ready to have sex. For the vast majority of people, that's going to be before they're married. Making that choice isn't a moral failing. On the contrary, it's often a great, healthy, overwhelmingly positive choice. Whenever you choose to have sex, the cultural message that waiting until marriage is the best choice is simply wrong. And it's wrong for almost everyone.